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NORTH ROAD TESCO TO DOUBLE AS HELLMOUTH
William G Pilgrim
Durham's demon and ghoul population are said to be delighted by the news that the newly-opened Tesco Express on North Road is one of many stores internationally that will provide a direct portal to hell.
Financial analysts were stunned to learn that Tesco stores have always contained hellmouths, but the plc firm has only recently won the license to commercially profit from these dimensional gateways. The development explains the impending sense of doom which has been experienced by many Tesco shoppers since it was initially founded in 1919.
Tesco Chief Executive Sir Terry Leahy issued a statement, "We are unstoppable and there is nothing you can do to escape it! Soon we will control everyone you love and cherish. Mwahahahahahaha!" However, he later retracted his comments based on legal advice.
As well as providing a direct link to hell, the Hellmouths will also allow users to travel internationally to other Tesco stores. 'Tesco Express' stores nationwide are also said to be expanding their range of affordable pentagrams and goats' heads in conjunction with the announcement.
A new advertising campaign is also likely to accompany the grand opening, which will replace the popular slogan 'Tesco: every little helps' with 'Tesco: from beneath us it devours."
Local 'Hellmouth' owner Ian McApocalypse is worried by the severe threat this poses to his small business. He has been managing Durham's last surviving locally owned Hellmouth, which is located in the SCR of St. John's College, for over 15 years.
"This just isn't right. I'm forced to pay exactly the same damnation tariffs as Tesco, and they are a multi-billion pound international conglomerate. It's just not cricket!"
Rumours that Tesco plc is also seeking a strip club license remain unconfirmed.
NORTH ROAD TESCO TO DOUBLE AS HELLMOUTH
William G Pilgrim
Durham's demon and ghoul population are said to be delighted by the news that the newly-opened Tesco Express on North Road is one of many stores internationally that will provide a direct portal to hell.
Financial analysts were stunned to learn that Tesco stores have always contained hellmouths, but the plc firm has only recently won the license to commercially profit from these dimensional gateways. The development explains the impending sense of doom which has been experienced by many Tesco shoppers since it was initially founded in 1919.
Tesco Chief Executive Sir Terry Leahy issued a statement, "We are unstoppable and there is nothing you can do to escape it! Soon we will control everyone you love and cherish. Mwahahahahahaha!" However, he later retracted his comments based on legal advice.
As well as providing a direct link to hell, the Hellmouths will also allow users to travel internationally to other Tesco stores. 'Tesco Express' stores nationwide are also said to be expanding their range of affordable pentagrams and goats' heads in conjunction with the announcement.
A new advertising campaign is also likely to accompany the grand opening, which will replace the popular slogan 'Tesco: every little helps' with 'Tesco: from beneath us it devours."
Local 'Hellmouth' owner Ian McApocalypse is worried by the severe threat this poses to his small business. He has been managing Durham's last surviving locally owned Hellmouth, which is located in the SCR of St. John's College, for over 15 years.
"This just isn't right. I'm forced to pay exactly the same damnation tariffs as Tesco, and they are a multi-billion pound international conglomerate. It's just not cricket!"
Rumours that Tesco plc is also seeking a strip club license remain unconfirmed.
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