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CHANCELLOR BRYSON CAUGHT INTERFERING WITH USTINOV
William G Pilgrim
University officials are this morning reeling from reports that Durham University Chancellor, Bill Bryson (55) has been caught interfering with the remains of his predecessor, Peter Ustinov.
The unauthorized exhumation is believed to have taken place at around 1am yesterday morning at the site of Ustinov's burial in Geneva, Switzerland. One eye witness described with horror the sight of "a stocky, ginger man carrying the skeletal remains of Sir Peter Ustinov through the streets of Geneva before conducting what can only be described as a D.I.Y post-mortem on the steps of St. Peter's Cathedral".
Upon his arrest, Bryson gave the following statement:
"Surveys show that there is overwhelming support for the concept of organ donations and that more than 90 per cent of us would be glad to know that our organs were being used to help others after our own deaths. Ustinov didn't donate his organs - I'm merely righting a terrible wrong".
Police officials described Bryson's visible disappointment atthe state of Ustinov's remains: He had hoped to harvest Ustinov's organs for donation but found little more than dust and bones (and one of those funny hats, a bit like the ones people wear when they graduate).
The news comes as a blow to Durham University executives, who are presently celebrating the 10th consecutive year of reductions in contact hours for students.
Vice Chancellor, Professor Chris Higgins commented: "Here we are working our arses off so that freshers have more time to laze about and less time actually doing anything remotely educational, and then that Bryson goes and fucks everything up! When senior university officials get caught digging graves it really distracts the students' attention from the good work we are doing: like cutting contact hours, decluttering the overstocked library and investing the money we save in offshore bank accounts".
Oli, Bryson's friend, declined to comment.
There is intense speculation as to whether this slapdash necropsy is the work of a babbling loon or a cunning and selfless promotional stunt. Bryson, who was born in Des Moines, Iowa, had told his wife that he was "just popping out for some milk".
It is believed that a deal was brokered between the US and Swiss governments by which Bryson will escape prosecution but will, in return, be forced to act as a 'UN envoy for quips and witticisms'.
NB: Donate your organs.
Who knows where/who Bryson will strike next? Sign up at:
http://www.uktransplant.org.uk
CHANCELLOR BRYSON CAUGHT INTERFERING WITH USTINOV
William G Pilgrim
University officials are this morning reeling from reports that Durham University Chancellor, Bill Bryson (55) has been caught interfering with the remains of his predecessor, Peter Ustinov.
The unauthorized exhumation is believed to have taken place at around 1am yesterday morning at the site of Ustinov's burial in Geneva, Switzerland. One eye witness described with horror the sight of "a stocky, ginger man carrying the skeletal remains of Sir Peter Ustinov through the streets of Geneva before conducting what can only be described as a D.I.Y post-mortem on the steps of St. Peter's Cathedral".
Upon his arrest, Bryson gave the following statement:
"Surveys show that there is overwhelming support for the concept of organ donations and that more than 90 per cent of us would be glad to know that our organs were being used to help others after our own deaths. Ustinov didn't donate his organs - I'm merely righting a terrible wrong".
Police officials described Bryson's visible disappointment atthe state of Ustinov's remains: He had hoped to harvest Ustinov's organs for donation but found little more than dust and bones (and one of those funny hats, a bit like the ones people wear when they graduate).
The news comes as a blow to Durham University executives, who are presently celebrating the 10th consecutive year of reductions in contact hours for students.
Vice Chancellor, Professor Chris Higgins commented: "Here we are working our arses off so that freshers have more time to laze about and less time actually doing anything remotely educational, and then that Bryson goes and fucks everything up! When senior university officials get caught digging graves it really distracts the students' attention from the good work we are doing: like cutting contact hours, decluttering the overstocked library and investing the money we save in offshore bank accounts".
Oli, Bryson's friend, declined to comment.
There is intense speculation as to whether this slapdash necropsy is the work of a babbling loon or a cunning and selfless promotional stunt. Bryson, who was born in Des Moines, Iowa, had told his wife that he was "just popping out for some milk".
It is believed that a deal was brokered between the US and Swiss governments by which Bryson will escape prosecution but will, in return, be forced to act as a 'UN envoy for quips and witticisms'.
NB: Donate your organs.
Who knows where/who Bryson will strike next? Sign up at:
http://www.uktransplant.org.uk
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