Dead Guns

An satirical article I wrote immediately following the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007.

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Dead Guns: NRA to hold memorial for gun law victims.
William G. Pilgrim

The National Rifle Association announced this week that it is to hold a memorial service to remember the innocent victims of gun control laws across the developed world.

“Every three seconds, a gun is senselessly deactivated in the prime of its life by the evil heartless liberal governments of the Western world,” announced NRA board member Ted Nugent. “We must put a stop to this senseless waste of potential”.

The memorial service will be attended by politicians, diplomats, NRA members and gun enthusiasts from all over America, and is the start to a month long international ‘Gun Aid’ campaign.

It is unlikely that celebrity NRA member Charlton Heston will attend as he is suffering from Alzheimer’s. Reports suggest that the illness has not affected his ability to operate guns, rather his ability to remember why he began shooting in the first place - often with hilarious consequences.

The 2nd Amendment of the US Bill of Rights - written over 200 years ago - states that: “the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Time traveling Constitutional framer James Madison commented, “Free and unrestricted ownership of semiautomatic handguns by the general public in a free, peaceful USA under no threat from external attack and in possession of the world’s largest and most powerful military is exactly what we had in mind when wrote the 2nd Amendment.”

He then proceeded to spend over 20 minutes loading his musket, fired one shot at a small deer and travelled back to 1791.

High-profile events have already been scheduled in support of Gun Aid. A memorial service is to be held in Kigali, Rwanda, in memory of hundreds of thousands of machetes that have been melted down and used to build hospitals and such like.

NRA President Sandra Froman responded to questions at yesterday’s NRA press-conference:

“All you ever hear about on the news is ‘HIV this’ and ‘famine that’. Nobody seems to care about the important stuff. The fact of the matter is that guns are being disabled by the authorities the world over when they could be being used to shoot at stuff, like animals and tin cans, and maybe intruders.”

The NRA (established in 1871) has been publicly commended by the Ku Klux Klan (criminalized in 1871) who also feel that many of their hobbies have been unfairly curtailed and stigmatized by the government and media.

This reporter wishes to keep a neutral stance on the debate, but will be keeping guns in his prayers in the coming weeks.